Why Being Highly Perceptive Sometimes Feels Like a Villainous Superpower.

For as long as I can remember, I could feel people’s energy easily. I also have an extensive inner dialogue and deep reflection. As a child, I believed that everyone was like this. Somewhere along the line, I grew up and began to see a shift. My innocence became broken once I realized how many presenting humans feel nothing inside and have no real conscience. Growing up, I used to believe that most people were good, deep down, and there were only a few poisonous apples. Some days, it seems as though the more I am on earth, there are more humans with no moral compass, than I originally thought. “Highly Sensitive People” or HSPs feel everything much more deeply and perceive things with a wider lens than typical people. Seeing the way humans treat each other and animals made me stop watching the news altogether. As I’m writing this, I’m imagining some annoying person’s voice saying, “Well not all humans!” Listen bruh, it’s enough of them to make me pause and really think about what kind of existence, what kind of show earth really is.

On Monday, I was having a grueling day. It seemed as though nothing was going right. After I put my kids to sleep, I sat in the tub, turned on the jets and poured a glass of bubbly. As I sat in the tub and stared at the TV menu, I wondered: what would it be like to totally withdraw from society? So much of being a creative person is fraught with rejection and thoughtless judgment on your work, on your creation. The rejections of reality versus my vivid hopes and dreams were viciously devouring my hope, and faith. My personal fulfillment cup was almost empty. I felt like I was at the turning point in my own story, where I may turn into a likeable villain. I hated the emotional and mental chasm of feeling personally defeated and so, managed to claw my way out of it. Each time I felt this way, I usually tried to think of people, artists, writers, who have eventually found their dreams coming true. I wouldn’t dare compare myself to her, but I try to think of JK Rowling, who is an aspiration to me, and two of her quotes:

“The world is full of wonderful things you haven’t seen yet. Don’t ever give up on the chance of seeing them.”

“Failure is so important. We speak about success all the time. It is the ability to resist failure or use failure that often leads to greater success. I’ve met people who don’t want to try for fear of failing.”

Ok, JK. I’ll take your word for it. I guess trying and failing is better than never trying at all. I read somewhere that never trying feels like death, but sometimes, trying and not getting traction feels like slow emotional exsanguination. Happy Birthday to me.